Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

#MeanwhileInCanada

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

three things we don’t talk about

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them