guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

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Fool me Once – Shame on You.
Fool me Twice- Shame on Me.
Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?


My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.


[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over


Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again


“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean


The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.


“911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.


Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?


No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March