@keplyq

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

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@RandomManik

Fool me Once – Shame on You.
Fool me Twice- Shame on Me.
Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?

@HeyZeus666

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

@Sean_Burgundy_

Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

@Sassafrantz

“911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.

@VanCityBlonde

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?

@sageboggs

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March