guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I used the label maker
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.