Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.