Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again