Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Chicago sounds lovely.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving