Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.