Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.