Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.