Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note…
“Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time.”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Strange
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.