Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

🙄

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH