Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.