Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Guilty! 🤪
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂