Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
me 2 months after i graduated
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.