Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist