Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake