Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

All generalizations are stupid.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.