Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I put the hot in psychotic.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My boss called in sick of me
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot