Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one