Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Awwwww shit.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.