Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
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Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.