Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
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It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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