-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
