-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
She puts the hot in psychotic
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
