-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
X-tra spooky blend
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
