Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
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The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?