Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
You Might Also Like
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that