Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away