Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan