Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
ok this is my dumbest yet
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Human are so complicated
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Netflix and awkward silence?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment