Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is