Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
What
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Fiction has to make sense.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75