Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
There are no pants in heaven.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?