Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said