Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.