Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

I’m calling the cops.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.