Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.