Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.