Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
#merica
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
this is uni
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.