Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out