Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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I feel seen.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Imma just leave this here…………
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever