Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.