Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

As per my last nervous breakdown

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

10/10 no notes