Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

How many? 🤔

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual