Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

😂😂

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

looks legit

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Gas station lines at 2 am:

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen