Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …