guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower