Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal