guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
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Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Me, in DM rooms…
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.