Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

😂🖐️

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???