Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
You Might Also Like
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Encore…
the duality of man
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
inside you are two wolves
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself