Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Breaking news:
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call