Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
why I oughta
