Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

Haha! 😂

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes