Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Saturday
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*