Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Why is everyone getting married at me

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits