Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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Happy birthday to all the women
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Always the vampires
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”