Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.