Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!