Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You Might Also Like
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops