Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You Might Also Like
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.