Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Creepy-crawlies

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.