Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

The Assassin.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL