Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again