Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.