Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”