Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…