Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
phew
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
There is wisdom there.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.