Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Your honor these allegations are
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
dril cadence
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself