Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.