Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Bear knowledge
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered