Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
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Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
back to work
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”