Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

That took me a moment.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that