Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old