Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
You Might Also Like
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
When I laugh on my period
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
best first i’ve ever seen
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Expect the unexporcupine.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*