“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
(Gaming support cat.)
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”