“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot