“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Salad is the decaf of food.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy