“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
umm…
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable