“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”