“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”