Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it