Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.